Category Archives: Naomi

Dating

There might actually be a significant downside to dating a divorced man, according to Frances: They often don’t want to remarry. “They have been in situations in which they have lost a lot of their net worth and are reticent to put themselves in that situation again.”Take actor George Clooney. He’s often labeled as a never-to-be-tamed bachelor, but he’s actually one of these supposedly desirable divorcés. (He was married to actress Talia Balsam — who now plays Mona Sterling on “Mad Men” — from 1989 to 1993. Balsam is now married to actor John Slattery.)Clooney, while clearly capable of commitment, has in fact vowed to never marry again — and, so far, he’s made good on that promise.Along with a potential aversion to marry again, there are other drawbacks to dating a divorced man that women should consider.

“Men with children from a first marriage usually don’t want more children,” Frances says. They can feel really guilty for putting their children through a divorce and “they don’t want their children from their first families to feel unwanted.” She advises women who want marriage and children to be clear about their romantic goals within the first one or two dates to avoid investing their time — and their hearts — in men who don’t share their goals.According to Frances, pitting two types of men against each other based on their life experiences isn’t necessarily all that helpful to women, either. “All of this information has to be read with a grain of salt,” she says. “There are some universal principles that most people kind of fall into and there are always aberrations and there are always people who are in the fringe who don’t behave according to type.”Instead, women need to look at each potential partner on an individual basis, Batshaw says. “Whether he is single or divorced is only one of many criteria that ultimately should be used to determine whether he has the right character traits for a future husband.”
Allison Pescosolido, M.A., and Andra Brosh, PhD, founders of Divorce Detox, a resource for post-divorce recovery and counseling said via e-mail: “An ideal partner, single or divorced, is a mature adult that has taken the time to become a complete, well-rounded individual,” they say. “Divorced men have the benefit of gaining relationship experience that can help them in the future. Single men who have overcome hardships are preferable to single men with little life experience.”Ultimately, Frances believes that, while potential partners can be categorized in many ways, from her experience there are really only two kinds of men in the world: “those who get pleasure and self-esteem from making women happy and those who get pleasure and self-esteem from making themselves happy.”Women who find the former, she says, will be happy for life — no matter what the guy’s previous life experience was.

Naomi

Why women lose the dating game.

Bettina Arndt listens to the other voices in this debate: the men.

Naomi sat in the back row of Melbourne’s Grattan Institute, about to watch her fiance give a lecture. She was joined by three unfamiliar women – all attractive, well groomed, in their mid-30s. From their whispered chat, she quickly realised they weren’t there to hear about politics and economics but to meet her eligible man. Naomi explains: ”He’s 36 years old and is definitely someone who falls into the alpha-male category: excellent job in finance, PhD, high income, six feet two, sporty and very handsome. And he’s an utter sweetheart.”

Naomi is an attractive 28-year-old PhD student. She has been in a relationship with her fiance for six years. Her new companions were very friendly and chatted to her during the break. But then her partner, who had been socialising at the front of the room, made eye contact with Naomi and smiled.

”The women saw this and it was like the room had suddenly frozen over. There was silence and then one of them asked me if I knew him. I wasn’t going to lie, so I told them he was my partner and how long we’d been together. It was amazing how they responded. They stopped smiling at me, shifted awkwardly in their seats and looked me up and down as if they were trying to figure out how a girl who still wears jeans and ballet flats could land a guy like that.” The women left before her man gave his speech.

Naomi is stunned by the number of women in their 30s who throw themselves at her partner: the colleagues who sign emails with kisses; the female journalist who pointedly asked, post-interview, if he was married. Yet given the plight of thirtysomething women seeking partners, it’s hardly surprising that her boyfriend is in their sights.

We hear endless complaints from women about the lack of good men.

Women astonished that men don’t seem to be around when they decide it is time to settle down. Women telling men to ”man up” and stop shying away from commitment.

But there is another conversation going on – a fascinating exchange about what is happening from the male point of view. Much of it thrives on the internet, in the so-called ”manosphere”. Here you will find men cheerfully, even triumphantly, blogging about their experience. They have cause for celebration, you see. They’ve discovered a profound change has taken place in the mating game and, to their surprise, they are the winners.